How about a Mastodon client that calls you and reads you your timeline?
@kai this, except it's my mom reading it to me without understanding what most of the words mean
@grumpy @kai I was going to say narrated by Morgan Freeman, but yours is better.
Welcome to Grumpy's Bar! Twas once a proud bar for losers on Ravine Street, Cincinnati, now it is an online space for sharing triumphs, misdeeds, and musings over a digital Grumpy's Ale.